best friends & lovers.

I'd thought for months or I don't even recall when I did. But, these words are playing in my mind. For me, everything is true. Being best friends to lovers is impossible yet simple to achieve. There are no conditions to be with someone that you love, especially when they are your best friends. Best friends are the closest person other than the family members. Best friends are the one that understands you the best after your lovers. Being a best friend to lovers relationship isn't that bad, yet consequences after it will be a true nightmare. 

Imagine, life being as lovers will be totally different. Welfare between each other must be cared, love is fragile, friendship isn't. Being lovers with you for a year and a half, I realised how much obstacles we had been through each other but I realised how much tears I had brought to each other's life. I will always be the villain in this story, I'll never be the good guy or so-called the nice guy, the hero. Hero had been played by numeral person but it never be my turn. Till today, you blamed me for everything that happened. But have you ever thought the feelings in myself. A feeling when you texted someone just to hope a short reply like "Goodnight", but it never beep your phone till the day you woke up. Disappointing isn't it ?

Lovers will never be best friends anymore. Starting ourselves as strangers, things between us grew to best friends then to lovers. Breaking up is just like the opposite direction, but without best friends. From lovers, we will be strangers again. Despite of being awkward to each other, the hi-and-bye friendship came by. Till time comes, we start to forget about each other. When we're totally vanished in each other's mind, we have a new life, a new cycle.

why do I care ?

In life, we often lived through a lot of familiar questions. Questions such as "are you alright ?" or perhaps "yes or no ?". Simple yet complicated questions. But mine, all started with "why do you care ?"

She is the girl that I took for granted, not once, but times. A girl that I never thought that she is important at all, maybe sometimes. But I've never thought of her feelings, never thought of anything regarding about her. Not even her favourite colours or food. The only question always wander in my mind was, "why do I care ?". However, till the day she left me, I started to learn to understand her more. I remembered her favourite colour, food, clothes and even words. I started to think about her more, each and every time I look into her Facebook, it reminds me of how much I had taken her for granted. But, she never complain, never. The problem was me, I was the one complaining and rant for days and nights. Realised but too late.

I often look at girls who are much hotter and prettier than her. I never notice her beauty before. "Why do I care?" I asked myself. One day, I lay back on my chair and realised how attractive she is to other guys. "Maybe I was wrong, totally wrong about her," I thought. Thoughts remain thoughts, I never change. Her Facebook or even Twitter were flooded with lots of guys, that time I realised how attractive she is. Realised but too late.

I often thought that she is not good enough compared to other girls. There are other girlfriends who cooked for their boyfriends or even tidy up the whole bedroom for them. I always thought that she wasn't the one that I can really love. I always thought that other girls can do better than her. I never notice her abilities at all, everything nice about her was nothing. "Why do I care?" I asked myself. One day, I had to live without her. The day I realised, who was the one who stay by my side when I am sick, who was the one who planned a surprise birthday party for me, who was the one that folded heart shapes origami, a piece a day we are together and who was the one who kept me standing when I am falling. Realised but too late.

Now, laying on my bed, typing every 26 letters on the keyboard just to tell her how much I love her. I should ask myself, "why do you care ?" on everything I typed, everything I want to tell you. Realised but too late.

because you know you're not in the run anymore.

Do you how tiring it is to run aimlessly on track

but not knowing what is it for ?

Do you know how tiring it is to run all over the world searching for

a particular heart that is meant for you ?

Answer is I don't know.

I had been running on the track aimlessly for two years, not knowing what I really need and want. I kept everything to myself but end up bursting everything. Patience isn't my thing at all, hence, I couldn't keep it cool all the time. It's like running on a track. You're waiting on the starting line, getting ready to run, waiting for the gun to kick start the race. But, you keep on waiting. Till the time the gun shot up, you had lost your patience, you lost the aim for the race, to win the race. You end up running but just to end the race.

These two years had been a run for me. A run that determines what I really want and need. Running for fame, running for dignity, running for friendships, running for love as well as running for everything. However, ending the run was not easy. Ending the run is to let go everything that I was running for just for a particular aim that is more important than the others. I chose love, I let go my fame, I let go my dignity, I let go my friendships, everything just for love. I knew it was the right choice to do so. How much she meant to me, till now, carved deeply, her name on my heart.

I chose to end my race by holding her hands. I never thought of anything else that can really ruin my whole future. All I thought was just her and her sweet trademark smile, till I started another run for myself. This run was different, it wasn't for fame, neither dignity nor friendships. It was just a run with myself, competing with myself to find the true self of myself and how much she meant to me in my life. I ran, trying to search for the truth in myself. I didn't end the race but failed terribly. I fell, tumbled on the track and never stand up again. I was injured, losing the abilities of all my limbs, helplessly.

You came, you told me, "everything is going to be alright, when you fall, stand up again" But I never listen, a fall is enough to break fame, a fall is enough to shatter my dignity and a fall is enough to take everything from me. A fall that took my life but you didn't return. You went with the fall, as if the fall was a wind to blow you away from me, a storm that kept you away from me or perhaps a river that kept us separated.

But, with my helpless weak limbs, I tried standing up again.

Can I ?

superman can't fly, neither do I.

Remember the vow I made ? The 14th monthsary vow in Chinese. I think that is the best that I can do for you so far. Things that I ever done to you, nothing. Things that you had ever done to me, infinity. How am I going to tell you that I really love you if I am not able to show it to you ? Love, easy to say, difficult to express.

No matter how many girls you had fallen for in your life, there will always be a girl in your mind all the while. The girl is the true love you are searching for. Tonight is the eve of an anniversary. Marking the two years of us being together no longer being together. I have never thought that you, you will be the one that carved in my mind forever.

26th April 2009.

Something that kick started my life, teaching me how to love a girl. A journey that I thought will be eternal, a journey that I thought we won't end it anymore. Fairytale, something that would not happen at all. But, you never fail to tell me everything will be alright. I can't believe that. Looking back to the past, I realised how much you had suffer throughout this relationship and thus, how much you had sacrificed. All the while, I keep repeating "you didn't do anything towards this relationship at all !" Now, I realised.

I realised that I will never love you forever because I didn't even love you at first. Perhaps, you are just someone that is important in my life whom I cannot let go. But, I know I didn't love you as my girlfriend from the first day we met. But, I know you didn't give up since the first day we met.

Misssingledimple. Thank you.

when you're gone.

"when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you"

Silence filled the night tonight. After days, I thought I had fully let you go, without thinking about you anymore. But, I was totally wrong. I guess tonight will be the night that I really miss you a lot after all these while. When you're around, I never appreciated you even for an inch. I never thought of you, never thought of you leaving me. Today, I realised your presence is the one that brought smiles to my life. The pieces of my hearts are missing you. I can hear the pieces of your heart shattered down, every pieces knocking down on the earth. Broken, shattered; that is what you felt all the time.

"when you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too"

Looking back to the past, I realised how much I had ignored you when you're by my side. How much hurtful words that I had said to you. Perhaps it's true, guys will always be guys. I never let down my ego even for once because all I know that no matter what happens, you will still back off and forgive me. Things changed, you won't be doing the same thing over and over again. You're tired, you feel like quitting. Finally, you gave up. Only thing left in my mind is your memories. The face I came to know is missing too.

"when you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through"

I missed the way we argued. The way we apologize to each other after we argued. But, I didn't realise that you're the one that always apologize first no matter what happens. The words you used to tell me how much I meant to you, it always get me through everything that had happened in the past. Perhaps, I thought too much. What are trusts between both partners if you really love each other ?

" I miss you "

life is just like a train.

I was in the train today, alone. Listening to the best Chinese hits songs in my playlist and I started daydreaming. The train stops at the next station, Pasar Seni. A few passengers went down and a few passengers came up. Everyday, we will meet different people at different stations, just like life.

Life is just like boarding a train. You can choose to board or alight the train anytime you want, even before you reach a destination. If you choose to board the train earlier, you might lose chances on meeting different people after that. In life, a lot of chances will be given to us but how many times we actually appreciate it ? We always ignore the first train to board just to hope for a better chance on the next train. But, we never thought that it will be totally different when we are boarding the wrong train.

Life is just like being in a train. Trains are like chances. We chose to board the train, we chose the particular chance and struggle for it. No matter what happens, we know, we need to struggle till we reach our destination. However, the chance often flies off when we have a temporary satisfaction in life. For instance, going through so many stations and platforms, we might be carried away by the fun in other platforms and neglected our own chance. In life, we often give up a chance for a chance that we thought will be better. But, till what extend that it will be always better ?

Chances often flies off when we do not appreciate it. Trains will always leave us if we are too late. Time waits for no one, so do trains. But, why can't we have our own trains ? Why can't we have our own destiny ? Why can't we have the choice to grab all the chances and opportunities around us ?

I realised, I had missed an opportunity, an opportunity to fall for you once. I had missed the train, the colourful painted train with a heart shape on. I regretted for all the mistakes I had done. All I ever wished that I am able to catch up with you by boarding the next train. But when I reach the destination we both are supposed to go, my heart shattered. I saw you holding hands with an unknown man, leaving the platform. I realised I should wake up earlier next time and pursue what I should pursue. "Follow your heart," as what most of the people said. Follow my heart to have the courage to face you and your heart.

This train, this colourful painted train with a heart shape on, it was not my chance. It was an opportunity to love but I was not fast enough to grab it. Finally, the door closes. All I can do is just to watch you leave further, slowly, step by step. I stood on the platform, thinking that, "will you wait for me at the end of the destination ?"

I smiled.

you.

You.

a simple three letters which spells a complicated U.

when it comes to you.

my mind goes like flashcards slide.

every images of yours flashes through my mind.

your smile.

your eyes.

your touch.

your expression.

you.

You.

a simple three letters that made my world goes around.

when it comes to you.

I am always speechless regarding how talkative am I.

I am always dumbfounded regarding how active am I.

every actions of you.

freezes me.

captivated me.

captured me.

melted me.

you.

You.

a simple three letters that made my sleepless nights.

when it comes to you.

even the slightest mistake I'd done.

I will be blaming myself for it.

even the words I'd said.

I will still think twice on what I'd told you.

for nights.

for days.

forever.

you.